The rain will fall the snow will sparkle, the tree's will blow and the birds will sing, children will dance flowers will grow, music will ring and tears will flow, ice will melt and memories felt.
Yesterday i was there, today i am not. The angels called upon me and led me far away. Tears will fall, hearts will break. but i am still there in your heart. I can still be felt.
close your eyes can you see me standing there? remember life goes on. one day we will meet but until then enjoy what you have got.
If you ever need me just close your eyes and i will be there, open your eyes and i will be gone, now live your life and move on. Remember i am only sleeping. i will never be too far. i will be that star shining down on you, can you see it?
tonight i say goodbye, tonight i shed my last tear, i have to leave the angels are near.
Fall with the rain, sparkle with the snow, blow with the tree's and sing with the birds, dance with the children and ring with the music, enjoy yourself and be happy, smile and cry sing and dance, laugh and be sad.
share moments and express feelings. stengthen and weaken. love and smile. you are still young, your life is yours. forever will i miss you. but now I've been laid to rest. the angel came i got my wings. i can fly, and i can soar i can reach where I've never been before. close your eyes see I'm still standing there.
So this time of year has come around again, so doesn't feel like its almost 4yrs. you would of been 19yrs, i'm sure on this birthday we could of twisted ur mums arm to get you in a R&B club ( the ones we always talked about). You often come into my mind when i'm at home, miss you loads. BUt the picture of you, nikki and me is on my wall, so i still smile everytime i see that photo!
I often wonder why god takes such special people, but i thinks its cos you was just to prefect to be in this world Kayles. Always smiling, night and day.Pain or no pain you'd still have that beauitful smile on your face. The times i'd lie on ur bed with you and we'd chat and laugh. When you was meant to be going sleep. lol.
I miss you big time lovely, i'll be thinking of you on the 4th, i'm spending the day in a spa, with all my special friends. I'll look after your mum that day too.
I'm missing you loads Kayles, I never stop thinking about you and loving you, my firstborn.
Well, as I'm sure you know, I've had your new little baby brother Reiss. He is just so lovely and such a good baby (apart from taking after his dad in the night owl stakes!)
He's dozing on and off in his chair at the moment cos he doesn't do proper sleeps during the day little so and so!
I hope you come to visit him my little angel and that he knows who you are. Jules makes me laugh all the time - he thinks that he is Reiss' parent I'm sure, always interfering and thinking he knows what's best for him. It's funny as well cos Jules is so intuitive that he knows when I'm missing you and always talks about you. I wish he could know you for himself and not just remember you through us. The same with Reiss, to know he will never have a cuddle with you or play with you.
My big girl - you would have been 20 this year - how scary is that? What's even scarier is knowing that it will soon be 4 years since you've been gone. It feels like the longest time sometimes and then at others it feels like it was last week.
My arms are always aching for my missing girl, I will always have 4 children, even if I can only hold 3 of them in my arms. You've got a special place in my heart forever more.
Really missing you, but I know you're around me - I can feel you and I know you're looking after me before your brother or sister arrives on Wednesday.
Wish you could be down here to see our new arrival and so I could see you kissing it up like you used to do when Jules was tiny. I remember how you used to let him suck on your chin - he was such a hungry boy he left marks on it - do you remember?
Seems like forever since I've seen you and it's so hard. Going to have a big memorial for you this year in our garden (better get Norm clearing it up I think!) as we didn't do anything last year. I know you'll be there for that - never one to miss out on a party!
Do you like the photos I found of you - you looked so beautiful and healthy - that's how I like to remember you and I know you'll be nice and bronzed with flowing blonde hair now - just like you should always have been down here.
Better go and clear up my treatment room and see what else I need to sort out for our new bubs. I hope you like the names we've chosen for it and of course it goes without saying that if it's a girl it will have your name as it's middle name!
Mummy is having a baby and I am feeling alright. The baby is coming out soon and I love you.
Mummy is feeling alright too and daddy is going to play Sorry with me.
A really long time ago when I had my pyjamas on and I left them on all day until it was night time and then I said that I wanted to put my clothes on but then it was too late!
The one and only. / Abigail Feaster (Cousin)Read >>
The one and only. / Abigail Feaster (Cousin)
The one and only.
Kay, I fell that I could say, How much you are missed every day, Even though I wasn’t there It doesn’t mean that I don’t care,
I felt as if ive lost a bit, A bit of me from deep inside, That family feeling which doesn’t hide, The sadness that you’ve left behind,
We now believe you safe and sound, And now believe you have finally found, The peace you deserve for ever more, You’ve finally won your personal war,
The illness you had was to big to fight, Yet you proved people wrong and with all your might, You thought for years and had a blast, Now go and have a rest at last,
Well meet again in years to come, Well catch up on all the fun, We had in our lives and in the sun, You’ve done all you can. You’ve won.
Every year on this day, We will celebrate and pray, For you have gone, Where eagles fly and doves sing songs, Where harmony lives, In the great beyond.
I'm trying to write a book about looking after a child with a terminal illness - my child. I can't seem to get beyond the first chapter because it begins at the end..........
FIRST DRAFT
As I sat in the cold hospital visitors room I reflected over the last 16 years of my life. 16 years of the utmost happiness and the deepest pain. At the age of 34 I must have experienced virtually every emotion known to man - anguish, joy, pain, heartbreak, happiness, proudness, fear, anger.........
I had spent the last 16 years praying and working hard to make sure my daughter Kayles stayed alive, so it was ironic that on the evening of 3rd January 2005 I was praying for her to die. Quickly, without fear and without pain. I prayed to God, I prayed to anyone and everyone who I thought may help. I prayed for my brother who had died 6 years previously to come and take her quickly, to ease her passage to a place I could only hope truly did exist.
The fear I experienced was like nothing I had ever imagined before. Not even in the worst days of operations, seeing my lovely girl crying, scared to be put under again, of tube changes which stopped her breathing temporarily, of IV needles routing around her tiny overused veins. Nothing compared to the gut wrenching putrified feeling in the pit of my stomach. I had been beside my daughter through virtually every procedure and illness she had ever had to have, trying to pass some calm and bravery to her, holding her hand, holding her close to me to try and absorb some of the pain and fear away into myself. But I couldn't do this, so help me I just could not do this last thing.
My now husband and my best friend, Kayles' Godmother took that responsibility, sitting beside Kayles as she spent her last few hours on this earth, holding her hands, talking quietly to her, doing what I should have been doing as her mum. They took it in turns to come and update me, every hour or so down the corridor in that stark room. It was deathly quiet being night time in the hospital and it felt as though I had been abandoned to my own demons, facing every fear I had never wanted to think about.
Every time the door opened I looked up and asked the same question over and over 'has she gone yet'? The answer throughout the night was the same 'not yet'. Until at last, at 5.20am, Norm came into the room where I was now dozing and held me tight. The sun was just about rising over the city and the room was turning a watery blue, adding to the peace that emanated from Norm. 'Your little bird has flown' were the only words he uttered to me. In that instance my mind ricocheted as I recalled how we had arrived at this day.....
Birthday Girl / Karen (Mumxx)
Kayles, I can't believe it is 19 years since I gave birth to you - you are older now than I was when I had you!
I miss you so much, especially on days like today. I can't bring myself to celebrate or even mark the occasion because I just feel your loss too much.
I know you were with me today as I went for the checkup after the operation. As you know, the baby seems to be doing fine - 16 weeks now! Won't be too long before I'm huge and struggling to get around - I'm sure you'll be laughing. I'm pretty sure you've met this little one already and sent it down to us as a special gift.
I can't wait for the day when we can all meet again and I can hold you in my arms and give you massive big cuddles like we used to down here - I miss kissing the top of your blonde head and how you used to make everyone massage your feet.
Alex just reminded me of the year that we put the tree up on Christmas Eve and then I took it down again on Boxing Day! I used to be such a scrooge didn't I? You'll be pleased to know I am Mrs Christmas now - Jules had a brilliant time this year and is still hyper from all the excitement and sweets!
I love you my Angel - I can't believe it is nearly 3 years since you moved upstairs. I have to take comfort in the fact that I know you are safe and not in any more pain, free to run and breathe and jump and do all the things that you ever wanted to do.
Huge big hugs to last a lifetime and just remember I will always, always be your loving mum and proud of it.
Memories/ Mumxx
Kayles, as you know I'm back in touch with Mille and we were talking about when we went to Brighton.
We had such a laugh that day - Mille reminded me about how you ate tons of black olives in the restaurant!
Do you remember how my camera got broke??!! No wonder we don't have any photos of that day.
And on the way back in the car we were so bored stuck in traffic for aaaages that we were all acting completely stupid and dancing to 70s disco music, blaring out, dancing out of the sunroof! It was so funny and I remember looking back at you in the back seat of the car and you were just laughing so much and joining in with us. We didn't care about the other cars looking cos we were having such a good time!
thinking of u missy / Nicki Murphy (friend)
hey honi, was at work yest and richie rich was on!! it reminded me of u and how last time i was watching it we were texting each other and chatting about looking forward to xmas! and what we would do if we were rich!! miss u sweetie. We have another little trache pt, he is so cute please give him your strength!, he has a beautiful smile that lights up the room just like yours!!!! and he also has your beautiful nature!! Going into work and seeing him, reminds me how privilaged I am and all the girls for looking after such amazing children (and young ladies ofcourse!!) Thinking of you now and always! we miss u kayles xx will never forget u xxx lots of love nic Close
Fly Fly / Gail Richardson (Angel Aunty )
Morning Kayles - I saw this poem today and immediately thought of you, so here you go sweetheart! Have a great Angel day and give Meshael a hug from me - hugs and kisses to you
Fly little wing Fly beyond imagining The softest cloud The whitest dove Upon the wind of heaven’s love
Past the plants and the stars Leave this lonely world of ours Escape the sorrow and the pain And fly again.....
Fly, fly, precious one Your endless journey has begun Take your gentle happiness Far too beautiful for this
Cross over to the other shore There is peace for evermore But hold this memory bittersweet Until we meet
Fly, fly, do not fear, Don’t waste a breath Or shed a tear
Your heart is pure Your soul is free Be on your way Don’t wait for me
Above the universe you’ll climb On beyond the hands of time The moon will rise The sun will set But I won’t forget
Fly, fly, little wing Fly where only Angels sing Fly away, the time is right Go now.... find the light Close
thinking of u / Jenny Angel (friend)
Hi ya. Hav jus bin away 2 barcelona 4 anuva friend of urs (Nicki's) hen wkend and I no u were ther wiv us wen we were partyin, dancin n havin fun. I no u were drinkin wiv us wen we were toastin u wiv Baileys even tho most of us there can not stand it and almost vomited wen it curdled wiv the uva alcohol in our stomachs, (which wld hav made u laugh)! I no u will b there 2 wiv Nicki wen she walks down the aisle and I also no we will all b finking of uXXX Close
My beautiful girl / Karen Tate (Mumxx)
Hey lovely.
I'm missing you so much Kayles, I'm having a really hard time - I think maybe everything's catching up with me. I go through life so fast so I don't need to think, but you know how ill I've been and I need to slow down and sort myself out don't I?
There are so many things I want to say to you - I should have been talking to you as an adult now, but that wasn't to be - I can't believe you would have been 19 at the end of this year.
Help me write the article sweet pea - it will be such a hard thing for me to do - but I think it will be good in the long run. Send me some of your strength - I need it at the mo.
1 Kayles and Alex on their much loved bikes at Granny's 2 Kayles being attacked by Kai for her electrolarynx! 3 Alex and Kayles - cafe in the kitchen with mummy as wa
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